Sebastian's atonement
by whoami10
Summary: Sebastian screws up and is at risk to lose the two persons that really matter to him. So he attemps to make it right by offering something that he hopes can appease them and his guilty conscience while being quite pleasurable for everyone involved. He doesn't know that he's in for a much wilder ride than he wanted. Sebklaine. Spanking, kinda D/S. Warnings in later chapters.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Sebastian paces the length of their apartment like a prisoner, alternately looking at the clock on the living room's wall and at his cellphone.

 _Please, be OK, let me know something, please…_

It's been three hours since his boyfriends have gone to the hospital, three excruciating hours during which Sebastian has thought and dismissed at least two thousands apologies. He's drowning in guilt for what he's done; of all the petty, stupid things...

A buzz suddenly jerks him back from his self-deprecating thoughts and, heart in his throat, he basically launches himself on the coffee table, where the name _Kurt_ glares at him under the _incoming call_ message.

"Hello? Kurt? Is he ok?!" Sebastian can hear how frantic he sounds, but he doesn't really care all that much. Blaine is injured and it's completely his fault, he has a right to be upset right now.

The silence on the other line is deafening, and for a couple of moments he thinks of complications, and Blaine in a wheelchair because of him, and a lifetime of regret and sorrow and self-disgust…

He's getting so worked up that he almost misses Kurt's sigh and his words: "He's in surgery. The bone's broken in a strange way. They'll let me know if there'll be any lasting damage."

Of course the bone's broken in a strange way, because why would anything be easy in Sebastian Smythe's life? He's hurt Blaine, again and he's in surgery because of him, _again_. All because he was a bastard and couldn't keep a good thing in his life, no matter how hard he tries.

"As soon as Blaine is in his room, we'll need to talk."

He closes his eyes, already feeling a pit of dread deep in his stomach. He knew this latest stunt wouldn't end well, but in the back of his mind he hoped that they would give him another chance, that they wouldn't want to break up woth him. He wasn't the heartless piece of shit he was in high school...

 _Aren't you? Last time was_ your _tampered slushie that put Blaine in the hospital, wasn't it?_

"Do you want to break up?" Sebastian asks in a whisper, and another long sigh from Kurt it's his only answer – and this just scares him more. He can't lose Kurt and Blaine, not now, not since these last nine months have been the most wonderful of his entire life. "Please, don't. Give me a chance to make it right. You know I'm not always like this, I had a brief return of Sebastian the high school asshole, but it was an only-one-time thing. Please, reconsider?"

He knows that he's begging, and he doesn't care for shit. Pride has never done good for him, and if he has to grovel a little to not lose his boyfriends, he's well ready for it.

He can almost imagine Kurt on the other line, biting his lips and pinching his nose between his eyes. He does it often when he's stressed. "Not my call, you hurt Blaine, after all. And I'm not really sure you're that much different from the evil chipmunk I met all those years ago."

Ouch. OK, that stung a little more that it should have. The evil chipmunk remark is one memory he's fond of now that they're together and happy, he actually laughed for minutes when Kurt told him the story of that particular nickname. But now it's said in such a bitter and disappointed tone that he feels all of an inch tall.

It also doesn't escape his notice that Kurt hasn't called him by his name since he picked up, as if he's trying not to think that the person who's hurt his boyfriend is the other boy with which he shares a very unconventional yet beautiful relationship with. As if not acknowledging Sebastian would make this whole crappy situation a little less real.

"I am. Different. I am, I swear. You know I'm different, Kurt, please. You've learned to know me in these months."

"I know nothing." And now Kurt tone is cold and his rage is barely contained, he can feel it simmering even over the phone, and he shivers involuntarily. He really screwed all up. "I certainly not know why my boyfriend would call me in a world of pain, telling me to pick him up from _our_ home because he's been attacked by my other boyfriend. Attacked so bad that he now is in surgery to reset a nasty broken leg. Do you have any sensible explanation about that, Smythe?"

Sebastin flinches, feeling like Kurt just slapped him or stabbed him or something equally painful. He hasn't been Smythe since the photoshopped Finn's photos. He feels hope slipping from his fingers the longer the conversation continues.

He'd like to defend himself, except there's nothing he can say to make this right. He certainly didn't mean any bodily harm; he was just angry with Blaine, and he may have pushed him a little too forcefully against their library, and the blasted thing just decided to go crashing on his defenseless boyfriend without giving him time to do anything but stare in complete horror at the mess, hearing Blaine scream in his ears…

And when he tried to check on him and help him, apologies stumbling from his lips, Blaine had looked at him in abject terror, _afraid_ of having Sebastian anywhere near him, cradling his injured leg protectively with one arm while the other was curled on his head, almost expecting more harm coming from _him._ It had broken his heart so thoroughly that not even Blaine's sharp order – " _Give me my phone and get the fuck out" –_ had shaken him. Kurt, panting and disheveled, having obviously run from his office to get to Blaine, had found him in a sort of catatonic state just outside the door.

"I…" Sebastian wants to answer so badly, but he knows he can't possibly make this better. "I don't. I was an asshole and I feel like crap. I deserve whatever you want to dish out, just… I really don't want to lose you."

"Again, that's not my call. If it was me in surgery, you'll be out on your ass the second I was out. You may want to start packing, because as forgiving as Blaine is, I doubt he'll overlook you being a violent bastard, intention or not. Certainly I won't vouch for you." Another flinch, his throat starts to hitch and his eyes burn suspiciously. He's really starting to lose it. He forgot how much Kurt can hurt with his words, it's been that long since they had a serious tongue lashing.

Before he can formulate whatever answer without feeling like he's going to start sobbing the moment he opens his mouth, Kurt carries on: "I gotta go now. I'll probably text you when he's out since I don't really want to hear your voice anymore. And don't you dare come in person, we'll let you know if and when."

His tone is firm, Sebastian wonders if these are his instructions or Blaine's. In the end, it doesn't really matters and he hasn't a choice. "OK. Bye, Kurt. I'm really sorry." Kurt ends the call without bothering to reply.

He's left alone with his thoughts, a dangerous thing when he's feeling so worthless and dirty.

Fuck. There has to be something that he can do to atone, something that will satisfy not only Blaine, but Kurt, too. Something to make himself worthy of them again, some form of punishment to make them forgive him and get rid of this awful guilt…

After lots of brooding, the thought strikes Sebastian like a bolt and he almost jumps out of his skin to reach the closet in the hallway, rummaging trough it until he finds an old cardboard box with P-S etched on the side.

It was a gag gift from Jeff and Nick for Blaine, at the five years reunion of the Warblers. Sebastian attended, too, and he still remembers the fierce blush on his face when he discovered exactly what was in the box. At the time, Sebastian was equally irritated, amused and slightly awed at the arrays of sex stuff pulled out in the general laughs. Apparently, Nick's uncle owned a sexy shop, "Pleasure-seeker", and let him pick something every couple of months or so, Jeff added special treats with his money. Some people have all the fortunes.

Now the box doesn't seem like such a laughing matter, while Sebastian pulls out an heavy leather paddle, some restraints for wrists and ankles, a metal cock cage and a menacing wood thing that he knows how it's used but not its name. There's also some flavoured lube, a plug and a gag.

 _Yes, this could work_ , or so he hopes. If he offers himself for punishment, if he submits himself to a little pain and humiliation maybe they'll see how sorry he is and how serious he is about making amends and forgive him. Maybe only the offer could be enough and they won't even actually doing anything. And if they do, he can take it, and probably can forgive himself for the pain he caused Blaine, too. Yeah, this is perfect.

Satisfied about his plan, Sebastian takes the box in their bedroom and tries to think about the best way to ask his boyfriends – because they still are and they'll be for a long time, if he has his way – about it.


	2. Chapter 1

Sebastian is not a patient man.

It's not like this comes as something new to him. One time, when he was little, he actually managed to get his sister out of the bathroom with legs half shaved and her razor still in hand just because he needed to pee _so bad, please, I'm going to explode_.

Yeah, on occasions, he's also a drama queen.

So it's not as if he's surprised when he catches himself fidgeting and checking the clock every two minutes or so since he came up with his idea. He's acutely aware of the cellphone – _his_ cellphone – on the living room coffee table, where he put it about half an hour ago after having stared at it with twitching fingers for five whole minutes. Calling Kurt right now is definitely dangerous, and to tell him _by phone_ about wanting to be punished for what happened can only end in disaster.

He has to stay calm. He can be patient, he can wait for them to come home, he _won't_ freak out and become restless and possibly go to the hospital in which he knows his boyfriends are…

Crap. He needs to stop thinking.

With a sigh, Sebastian tries for the umpteenth time to think about what he's going to say to them when they'll finally be here. He's tried to come up with a good way to do it without seeming out of his mind, but in reality he gave up about twenty minutes in and decided that to do it without having prepared a speech is the best course of action.

He's not patient, remember? He literally _can't think_ about it. It'll come out, one way or the other, when it's time. Surely.

The living room clock strikes another hour, and that's two since he ended up his call with Kurt. How damn long does a leg surgery take?

As if reacting to his line of thought, his phone briefly vibrates. Sebastian essentially launches himself forward, opening the text message before he can even see who the sender is.

 _Blaine out. Home in awhile. We need to talk._

He has to take a deep breath to stop from panicking. They don't know what he wants to do. They won't want "to talk" – how ominous does _that_ sounds? – once they know, surely. They'll take the chance to make him a little miserable and then great sex will ensure and they'll be fine. And there's no asking if he packed or anything, so that's definitely a good sign, right?

And now, he's stuck… waiting. Again.

Sebastian is _not_ a patient man.

The sound of keys in a lock is like singing of angels.

He hasn't had dinner, stomach in knots so tight he doubts he could even swallow water, and he's so antsy it's a miracle he's not opening the door himself the second he hears the keys jiggling.

Instead he bites on his bottom lip and forces himself to stay perfectly still on the couch in the living room, where he pretty much exiled himself. He knows he's not visible from the entrance, and he also knows that there's where Kurt and Blaine will go first. After a tiring day, that's usually the place they can relax for even one lousy minute before going back to the real life – so making dinner, washing the dishes, having showers. In this case, dealing with the shit between them.

Sebastian almost feels more guilty – even though he doubts that's possible – for taking that minute away from them, since they probably expect him to be in the kitchen or in the bedroom. But he can't afford to wait that single minute, it's still a minute too long. He _needs_ to take his idea out in the open, now.

The scene, when his boyfriends finally come into the room, is filled with tension like the cathartic moment in action or dramatic movies.

The first he notices is Blaine – and yeah, apparently it is possible to feel more guilty. Christ.

Blaine is in a fucking _wheelchair_ , evidently tired from surgery and medications, his head resting on his shoulder, silent like he probably has never seen him. Bleary eyes observe him from behind the elevated casted leg, not angry or recriminating, but filled with disappointment. Sebastian would prefer the former.

Kurt is frozen on the spot, staring Sebastian with a mix of shock and barely suppressed rage, hands firmly closed around the handles of the chair. He looks on the verge of screaming, but visibly restrains himself, maybe for Blaine's sake.

The silence is long, awkward and saturated with unspoken words – bitter, sorry, cutting. Sebastian can almost feel it all on his skin from where he's standing, probably looking as crappy as he feels. He hopes so, anyway, so at least they can tell for themselves how sorry he is if he won't have the chance to say it. He's suddenly not so sure of himself and if they'll just want him to leave, he'll probably do so quietly and without a fight.

Finally Blaine breaks the silence. "Look, I still feel groggy from meds. Let's do this quickly and then go to bed."

Two nods are the only answer – not that Blaine is really looking – one both tender and stiff, the other feeble and subdued. It doesn't take a genius to know which is whom.

Once they're all seated, Sebastian decides to plunge into it head first. It's now or never.

"I'll start," he says, and immediately holds a hand up when Kurt's eyes narrow, clearly not ok with this. "Kurt, please. You can yell at me all you like later, but let me go first. I'm begging you."

His tone is so pleading that he doesn't miss the surprised flash in Kurt's eyes, or the eyebrow slightly raised in disbelief. Good, maybe seeing with his eyes how different from his usual self this whole thing made him will help him raise his chances to at least attempt to make it right.

There's just a muffled _humph_ for response, but Kurt remains silent and Sebastian counts it as a victory.

"So… I obviously had a lot of time to think about how shitty I was today. I was almost as much of an asshole as I was when we first met, maybe more. I…" he has to swallow, he's becoming emotional again and he _won't_ cry in front of them. He doesn't want pity. "What I did was… absurd. Unthinkable. I didn't mean it for it to happen, I hope you know that." And with that, he turns his head to fix his eyes directly on Blaine. "I would never hurt you on purpose."

"But you still did, didn't you?" Kurt bites out, clearly pissed about where he thinks this is going.

Sebastian focuses on him again. It's easier to look at rage. "Yeah, I did. It's no excuse that I didn't want it, because it still happened. I still hurt you. And I'm… so sorry. I can't put into words how sorry I am."

Now is the time. And he feels so unprepared and foolish when he suddenly moves forward and slides on his knees that he almost doesn't do it. Almost.

The looks of complete astonishment on both Kurt and Blaine's faces might be kind of hilarious if not for the circumstances. That's the last thing Sebastian sees before dropping his gaze to the tiled floor and continuing speaking, voice slightly trembling.

"Since I can't put it into words, I thought that maybe… I can put it in actions. You know… You could, I mean, if you're willing… I really don't want us to break up, and maybe this is a way, or maybe it's stupid and you'll just laugh in my face and throw me out on my ass, and it's not like I wouldn't deserve it, but I'd be really _really_ grateful if maybe you could just consider it for at least a couple of minutes before…"

He's acutely aware that he's completely rambling, and now it's not only his voice trembling but his whole body, his fist tightly closed and his eyes are burning. He's losing it, and he _has to end this agony now…_

"What I'm trying to say is… Would you punish me? For what I did? And then forgive me?"

Here, it's out. A long sigh escape his lips after the confession, and he squeezes his eyes shut, not daring to raise his head yet. He's still trembling slightly, but now is a long cry from the almost painful quivering of just minutes before.

He misses Kurt and Blaine staring at each other with slightly worried looks. Blaine seems a lot more awake and he gives Sebastian's form a meaningful look before shrugging in Kurt's direction. He inclines his head toward the bedroom, and Kurt nods. They basically have a complete silence conversation just with their bodies and their eyes.

In the meantime, Sebastian grows restless. There's an unnatural silence, almost worse than the one when his boyfriends first entered. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe they're deciding how best to tell him that his little outburst just made things worse. Oh God, maybe they'll tell him that they won't punish him because he's beyond forgiveness…

Kurt's voice is like a balm to his soul, even though he sounds skeptical. "What do you mean, _punish you_? Punish how?"

That's and interest, he can feel it, and he's so incredibly relieved that he almost collaps. It's also the opening Sebastian was waiting for, so he plunges into it, no regrets. "Every way you feel is fit. I can take it. Hell, I'll probably thank you for it, the way I'm feeling. And…" Still on his knees, he slides a little backwards to retrieve the box from the couch's side. "…I kinda thought you could use some of these? Not for fun, of course. Just because they're supposed to be sex toys, it doesn't mean they can't hurt."

And to prove his point, he takes out the paddle. It still feels really heavy in his hands, but he offers it to Kurt all the same. If he decides to do it and to use it on him, it's not like he doesn't deserve it.

And maybe it would help him forgive himself as a bonus.

Sebastian keeps his gaze on his hands while Kurt walks closer. He can feel the icy eyes on the top of his head while his boyfriend takes the paddle and weighs it. It could really hurt, there's no way Kurt can't see that.

He's offering something that could be dangerous to himself and he's doing it willingly. That has to count for something.

"This is… unexpected. And I'm not completely sure that you didn't lose your mind."

Kurt's words makes his heart fall. He raises a hopeless gaze on his boyfriend, but he keeps going before Sebastian can interrupt.

"That being said, I think we should… discuss this, before giving you an answer." _Before giving you hope,_ is what he's saying. "And with we, I mean me and Blaine. _If_ we decide to do it, we'll talk again, all the three of us. This is not something to take lightly, Sebastian."

He feels like screaming now. _Don't you think I know? Don't you think I thought about this after the first spur of the moment? Don't you think I'm scared?!_

Instead, he just says: "I know. I know what I'm offering. I trust you." He's still on his knees.

Kurt nods. "Very well. We'll go in the bedroom, then. Blaine is still tired, and frankly I could use a nap of eight to ten hours, too."

Sebastian's lips twitch, like he wants to smile, but he doesn't really have the strength to. "I moved to the guest room. I figured it was… a compromise. I really didn't want to go to a motel."

He thinks he sees a flash of unease in his boyfriends' eyes, but there's no protest, just nods. Blaine hasn't spoken a single word beyond the ones to broke the first uncomfortable silence, and Sebastian is pretty worried about it.

"We'll see you tomorrow, then." And with that, Kurt wheels Blaine away to their bedroom's direction.

Sebastian finally stands, feeling kinda light-headed. His knees hurt, he wants to vomit and he still isn't sure to not have fucked up more with his request. This day was really draining, and the last half an hour even more so.

With a strange mixture of dread and excitement, he retires to the guest room, awaiting his boyfriends' word.

***********************************  
Sebastian's up bright and early the next morning. It's not so much that he's an early riser; to be fair, he usually gets up after Kurt and Blaine are already at least at the table with coffee ready and breakfast on his way. But in the strange and cold guest room's bed, he didn't catch much sleep anyway, so he figured he could begin cooking and take his boyfriends by surprise.

He knows how to cook, but he doesn't always feels like it. Today, he's tired and probably a little irritable, so stirring ingredients to make pancakes is soothing. He doesn't have to work today, called in sick because he can't possibly concentrate with this hanging over his head – besides, it's almost Christmas so it's not like he has a whole lot to do in the studio. All of his artist have already finished recording to spend more time with their families.

The pan is fizzling with the third pancake when Kurt emerges from the hallway. He's still in pajamas, but his hair are already brushed and his skin is probably moisturized. It's a morning routine that Sebastian has always found a little obsessive, but he doesn't actually mind because on the few occasions in which Kurt has skipped it, he was always overly stressed or worried. Maybe it's a good sign, the fact that he's done it,.

Kurt doesn't seem to have slept better than him, Sebastian notices. He has bags under his eyes, not so heavy, but there nonetheless. He hopes it's not because Blaine was in a lot of pain tonight.

Only silence meets his unsure _good morning_ , so he decides not to push it, instead pouring Kurt a cup of fresh coffee and a couple of pancakes while generally trying to be inconspicuous. Kurt hasn't even glanced in his direction.

It's foreboding, this silence, and it leaves him with his thoughts which – together with the unfamiliar room – have keep him awake the night before, having contemplated his next course of action more than it is healthy.

His boyfriend must sense his unease and he has to love him at least still a little because he finally opens his mouth to tell exactly what he's desperate but afraid to ask. "Blaine's sleeping. He had some problems finding a comfortable position yesterday, but he dropped like a stone once he was there. Not too much pain, either."

Sebastian whole body deflates from relief and it's a wonder he doesn't accidentally burn himself at the stove. He turns his head to find Kurt's staring at him and he wants to say a thousand things, but he really can't get them past the knot in his throat. He doesn't have to, though, because his boyfriend isn't finished.

"I thought long about what you asked yesterday," his gaze is still cool, face completely unreadable, but he thinks this is going in the right direction. "We'll need to talk more about it, a two ways conversation this time. And we'll need ground rules if we do it."

Sebastian's sure his heartbeat must be way over the safe limit, the way he suddenly feels like he's going to faint. So, they decided to do it. Not officially yet, but they were going to get there if they have considered the possibility seriously enough for Kurt to tell him this. He's not entirely sure he's happy about it, but there's also this strange feel of overwhelming peace at the thought.

He quickly nods and croaks "Of course", nodding madly all the while. They're the first words he has uttered since yesterday, and it's already half an hour that Kurt's been in the kitchen with him. It must be some sort of record for him.

They still barely talk or look at each other and when Kurt finally decides to go check on Blaine, taking the last plate of warm pancakes with him, Sebastian offers to make the dishes just to make him go a little faster. He has never felt so awkward with Kurt, not even when they were still just roommates and he caught Sebastian and his catch of that night having sex on the couch.

"Hey," Sebastian catches Kurt's eyes while he's collecting dishes. "Tonight," he just says, before retiring. Sebastian doesn't need to ask what he means.

By the time the moment to talk arrives, Sebastian has found a calm acceptance of the situation.

He asked for this and he's ready to see it through, no matter what his boyfriends' conditions might be. He's not nervous anymore, just ready to get it over with. He can't stand this awkward atmosphere that hangs currently over the three of them, he _won't have it._ There's no punishment as painful as the loss of their easy camaraderie.

At lunch, Kurt has just said: "Before dinner, we'll talk" while making sandwiches for him and Blaine to eat in the bedroom, and that was it. It's been an incredibly lonely day and to keep up like this is short of unthinkable.

It's six o'clock, so _before dinner_ is near – they usually have everything ready by seven, so considering cooking and setting the table, it shouldn't take long now. Maybe they'll order pizza tonight, so it _will_ take a little longer still…

Luckily, pizza or not, he hears the bedroom's door opening and an unmistakable shuffle of wheels. He hasn't seen Blaine since he's come back, he having preferred to take his meals in the bedroom and Kurt fetching things to entertain him that doesn't apparently include the TV. Sebastian knows because he's been in the living room basically all day, almost afraid to come back in the impersonal guest room that's been like a prison the night before.

Kurt has a determinate look when he walks inside, Blaine is frowning. He doesn't know if it's a good or a bad thing but he's fairly certain that they won't chase him out. They could've done that already yesterday if that's what they really wanted, after all. He knows them and they wouldn't be so cruel as to make him wait just to let him know that's nothing he can possibly do to make this right.

Sebastian risks a small smile in their direction, especially Blaine's, just relieved to see that he doesn't seem to be too much in pain. "Meds," Blaine says, almost like he has read his mind. He's always been great at that. It's a curt sound, almost annoyed, and Sebastian feels a flash of anger, but he just diverts his gaze and looks at Kurt instead.

He's obviously the leader today, because he seats in front of Sebastian and begins the discussion. "So, me and Blaine took all morning and a good chunk of the afternoon to talk about it. It's a new territory for us, as you well know, but I think I'd be willing to do it. I must know, though, what it is you expect."

Sebastian sighs very deeply before he answers. It's not a simple question and he needs a minute to find a suitable reply. _What_ does he expect from this? Forgiveness, that's quite simple. But he also wants to assuage his guilt, he wants to hurt like he hurt Blaine, he wants to move forward. Not to erase this incident, not at all, just for them to be able to get _past_ this, to not have it hanging between them all every time they'll ever fight from now on – because he knows they will, and it's fine, every relationship is like that, but he can't have them afraid of end up in the hospital, afraid _of him_ …

"I want to… atone" he finally says, and it's so clear in his mind that _that's_ exactly what he needs. He wants to pay for what he did, whether willingly or not. "I never meant to hurt you, Blaine, I hope you know that." He must have a pretty serious case of puppy eyes right now, but Blaine doesn't reply, just stares at him in silence. "I feel awful about it and I think accepting whatever punishment you see fit for my mistake would help all of us to… move on."

Kurt, seemingly satisfied with this, continues: "I can understand that. But what if we want to punish you by banishing you to the guest room until we feel it's enough? What if this whole _corporal punishment_ thing it's not something we're comfortable with? You can atone in lots of ways, not only what you clearly implied yesterday."

Sebastian suddenly feels panicked again. He wants this over with _now,_ or as early as possible, he can't, absolutely _can't_ accept anything else…

His voice is trembling when he opens his mouth again. "I-I know I don't have the… right to ask f-for anything. But, Kurt… please. I _need_ to get this over with. It will… destroy me, to wait that long. _Please._ Punish me to get this away from all of us, make me hurt, make me suffer as you wish… But not for that long. I'm begging you, I can't take that."

The guest room means meals filled with silence, no movies in the evening intertwined together, no kisses or stupid inside jokes that no one else gets, cold sheets at night. It means this awkward and tension filled atmosphere for days, maybe weeks, maybe _oh God, months_ …

He must look pretty miserable, because Kurt suddenly reach out for his hand and, for the briefest moment, he actually seems concerned. "Calm down. I'll do it. I just needed to know why did you choose this instead of a longer but painless way. Why does the thought bother you so much?"

And that he can't answer, he can't even begin to. So he close himself off, since he's a textbook case of the whole old dog and new tricks story. "None of your business, Kurt," he snaps, taking his hand away even if he just wants to never let go again. He's always been self-destructive.

Kurt looks hurt for a second and Sebastian hates himself for it. Then his eyes turn oh-so-cold, as cold as his voice was at the phone to tell him that Blaine was in surgery. He revels in it, because that's what he deserves.

"Very well. Let's talk business, then." He waves an arm towards Blaine. "Since Blaine is in that state, he took a leave from work and I with him. Since you've been here today, I suspect you did the same thing. How long?"

Sebastian's expression is still grim, but the guilt is already starting to shine through again. He doesn't even move his eyes from Kurt's to glance at Blaine, he can't. He's such a mess. "A little over a week. Since yesterday was Thursday, they gave me until next Friday plus the weekend. Eleven days, overall. I could actually just merge my leave with the holidays, but I need to adjust some details at work before that."

"Great. Then we'll start Tuesday or Wednesday." Kurt's all business now, Sebastian's actually surprised he's not taking out his agenda to jot it down. "The punishment… How long?"

He grits his teeth, can't believe he's actually having this conversation. "The whole day?"

"Two days. I made a little research and I need to give you time to recover in between bouts if I want to make all of it."

His nod is stiff. Kurt is actually very serious about this. Maybe he shouldn't have provoked him…

"No safewords. You don't need it. You want to stop – you say stop, simple as that. But think seriously about it… if I stop, I won't resume. You call stop, it's over. I don't care about what happened up to that point."

They stare into each other eyes for a long moment after that. "What if I tell it without meaning it? That's what safewords are for, anyway, right? To be sure someone wants to actually stop and it's not due to the pain?"

Kurt arches an eyebrow and he _knows_ he wants to ask, but he refrains. "I won't ask how you know about that… But yes, that's what I read about, anyway. I'm sure you can remember to say other words to express your discomfort, like _no_ and _please._ I assure you, I won't stop."

 _Of course_ he has to comment on it.

And this is getting too clinical, too impersonal. A part of him tells him to back out, that Kurt is not doing this with the right set of mind – but the bigger part is still set on seeing this through, and Blaine's still very silent at the side, and he _still_ can't glance in his direction. It's all too much to oppose.

"I accept" he finally says, breaking eye contact. This doesn't feel right.

"Good. Now, I won't use things too wicked, I'm not really comfortable with that. Needles, fire, wax… That's all a no. I won't mark you permanently and this'll be only between us – Blaine, too. He obviously can't do much, but he may have some part in your punishment and he definitely will be in the room with us. Not negotiable."

As if he'd protest this of all things. It's the least he can agree to. "Absolutely. And… Thank you, I guess. For thinking this through so… uhm, meticulously. It's reassuring." It's scary, actually, but it's not like he can say that out loud.

He finally risks to look fully at Blaine. He's frowning, but he doesn't seem mad. It's a soft frown, like he's trying to figure something out. Maybe he's trying to figure _him_ out. This time, he nods with a barely there smile, says: "I think everything you discussed so far it's fair" and Sebastian feels a little lighter and a little surer of himself. This _was_ the right decision, after all.

"Let's get dinner? Pizza ok?" he asks hopefully, and twin nods – not so frosty now, or so it seems – are his answer.

They _are_ going to be ok.

He's still relegated in the guest room until his punishment, but it's a little more comfortable now because he's not there because they can't stand him, but because he's helping Blaine.

"He needs a lot of space with the broken leg, you know," Kurt tells him after dinner the night of the discussion. "I could go to the guest room and you can stay with him until he's a little better, if you prefer…"

It felt more like a challenge than like an honest proposition, but Sebastian can't accept either way. He and Blaine began talking a little more in the days until his punishment, but they're not totally there yet and none of them would feel comfortable changing the dynamic now.

The weekend passes fast, a bunch of friends coming in everyday to see how Blaine's doing and to keep him company. Blaine's grateful, he can tell – he's a people person. He's secretly grateful, too, because a lot of people means it doesn't seem too strange if they don't talk much to one another. No one notices, at least.

No one asks about the incident, too, and Sebastian's even more grateful for that. He doesn't question it, but he suspects Kurt kind of altered the library story when he informed their friends on the day Blaine had surgery. That's really the only reason he can think about to answer why nobody threatened him of a slow and painful death.

He wakes up feeling kind of strange on Wednesday, noting the unnatural silence in the house. It's ten, so he slept quite a little – he was exhausted after days of people coming in and out of their house like it's some sort of 24/7 store.

He's about to head for the bathroom, when he notices a note on his bedside table, with Kurt's elegant calligraphy on it.

 _Out with Blaine, hospital visit. Shower and have a big breakfast. Redress yourself and kneel on the guest room bed. Today we begin._

He swallows hard and almost curse out loud. How is he supposed to _have a big breakfast_ now? He can already feel his stomach shrinking just at the thought of food.

But it's time and he's glad, too, because he's still felt like his skin was too tight these last days, like there was something seriously missing in his life and he couldn't quite figure out how to get it back.

It was forgiveness.

He's shivering while he walks toward the bathroom – and not for lack of clothing.

 _Today we begin, indeed_.


End file.
